To the Empowered Women

To the Empowered Women

While I was googling those quotes on women, I happened to hit on some that almost knocked me down. Napoleon Bonaparte’s famous, or rather infamous, comment on women gave me the lightest blow as it was something quite familiar and bred nothing but contempt, “women are nothing but machines for producing children”. The French statesman taken granted for his 18^th century anti-feminine attitude sounded the least offending before the 20^th century English singer John Lennon, also the co-founder of the Beatles, who said, “there is a great woman behind every idiot”. I could hardly miss the autobiographical elements in it, nonetheless. More interesting were the sexist statements made by the American President himself. Trump once tweeted that sexual assault in the military is simply what happens when men and women work together—“26,000 unreported sexual assaults in the military-only 238 convictions. What did these geniuses expect when they put men & women together?”

We live in a century that wears a “pro-” mask, supporting the weak, the vulnerable and the victimised in all sensitive issues, while remaining strictly “anti-” within, consciously or unconsciously, mostly in matters involving sex and gender. Assaults and abuses on women, both physical and mental, continue rampantly, without any fear of punishment or shame. We, who call ourselves the modern, erudite, liberal “new generation”, would still love to peep into a woman’s private world, especially if she is undressed or at least any of her body parts remain uncovered. This social stigma is not just limited to matters related to the female body. A woman’s thoughts, words and all other aspects related to her existence are still being scrutinized and criticised. We call our women “empowered” who have got better education, job opportunities, exposure and earning strategies, yet unable neither to post a facebook status freely nor even upload a personal/family selfie, without the fear of being attacked in the social media. The pan-Indian attitude towards women is now becoming clearer and clearer with the increasing number of incidents and comments against women related to certain recent issues. We live in a misogynistic society unconscious of the fact that we, women, are ourselves adding to the enormity of the situation through our seemingly innocent silences or personal conversations. This is infact the weirdest situation of all. 

Misogyny has become an inseparable feature of our culture, whether we agree upon it or not, as evidenced by the rising number of feminist movements and write-ups calling for women’s rights and freedom. But misogyny among women themselves is something that is seldom addressed and sought after. The woman, whose lover had fathered two children but refused to pay child support, must have felt vindicated when Justice C.S. Karnan ordered him to pay maintenance, in the Madras High Court. By holding the man liable for the upbringing of his offspring, beget through non-marital sex, the judge has created a more level playing field for single mothers, and relief for children. After all, sex and reproduction is between two people and both should be held responsible for its consequences, regardless of the legal status of their relationship. Quite typically, when my neighbour aunt came across the news, she could make no appreciations on the judicial decision but only blame the woman for indulging in such a dreadful activity!!! This ordinary situation becomes all the more weird when no comments are made on the man who was the woman’s counterpart in the ‘dreadful activity’. Even justice Karnan could empathize with the woman’s plight, but another woman couldn’t. What left me more embarrassed was that this aunt is a post-graduate and currently a government employee— an “empowered woman”. Misogyny among men is something pardonable, but misogynistic women need a complete, thorough, head to foot restructuring.

Intimidations related to marriage makes life almost a 400 meter relay for every unmarried woman. It is a social institution, a legacy, a matter of familial honour and not at all an affair of personal choice. For every 26 or plus unmarried female, a  regular day at home starts with mother blaming father for not getting his daughter married. Cousins and friends who are at that age and even younger are married with more than one kid. Parents, though supportive of their daughter’s study and career aspirations, are not able to swim in a society where they have a daughter who has crossed the ‘marriageable’ age.  Things would tumble down, if the girl who has crossed the marriageable age is not slim. Neighbours would murmur, “She is overweight, that’s the reason why she is not married yet. She wants to reduce her weight so that a guy would accept her.” People starts enquiring their fathers if his daughter is in love with an ‘other-caste’ person and whether the delay stems from any consequent disputes. Aunties advise them to try a facial so that their complexion should not be a hindrance for marriage. Another aunty asks them to perform some vrata so that the goddess who is in charge of getting girls married would be pleased and the moment would come in my life. A few aunties and uncles go straight to the girl’s parents to suggest matches they find around. Well, the reasons are pretty legitimate in this country not to get married.

Unmarried women continue to be a burden in every Indian community, be it Hindu, Muslim or Sikh. This stereotyping of a 28 year-old unwed female makes life regressive for every woman who has crossed the “marriageable age”, no matter how well-educated or professionally sound she is. No reasons regarding her unmarried status sound valid for the society. Her reasons may be personal, taking the many dimensions of her career into consideration. But, really, does she need a reason for not getting married? She may just don’t feel like getting married yet. Isn’t that good enough? The answer would be simply NO and some others may add that she is setting a bad example for the younger generation of girls around her!!! This ostracising happens only in the case of women and ironically, it is women themselves who at times ostracize the other.

An issue that grabbed social attention recently was the controversy popped up by the cover page of the Malayalam magazine Grihalakshmi.  Even though widely criticized as a marketing strategy, Grihalekshmi had greater targets when they decided a breastfeeding woman to be their cover face. The hue and cry over the picture of a breastfeeding woman in a Malayalam magazine Grihalakshmi is taking rounds on social media. The cover picture of a poet, model Gilu Joseph staring defiantly with suckling baby has literally shaken up the progressive state of Kerala. The photograph was published in the fortnightly magazine as a part of “breastfeed freely” campaign ahead of International Women’s Day which falls on March 8. With vermillion on her forehead, dressed in a saree, the typical mother figure which appeared to have emerged from Malayalam serials is also striking a serious note.

“We don’t breastfeed child like this”, unnamed voices reiterated in the news feeds. The bare breast has shocked other women as well. The women have been taught to feed the child covering the breast with a piece of cloth often hiding the infant. As Sowmya Rajendran rightly points out in The News Minute, “Just as you would not like to eat a plate of biryani when stuffed under a blanket, young babies are not exactly overjoyed at the prospect of needing to have their food under wraps”.

When she was approached with the project, Joseph did not think twice before agreeing to be a part of this. She said that she thinks of breastfeeding as a privilege that only a mother has. Emphasising on how women should know that this is a very natural phenomenon, she said there is nothing to be ashamed of if one has to feed her baby. “It is a problem to interpret this sexually. Isn’t it a beautiful thing, friends? Why do you think it is wrong? Which god will be angry if you feed your child” she was quoted saying. Joseph said her family did not and still doesn’t support her decision of having taken this up. Her mother and two sisters, of whom the older is a nun, live in Kumily, in Idukki district of Kerala. They staunchly opposed her when she informed them about this. She said she respects and understands why they refused. “But nothing can deter me from doing what I feel is right,” she said. Grihalakshmi, using this pro-nursing picture invited hard-hitting controversies with a number of men and women supporting her campaign and many more opposing.

When oppositions by men were rather satirical in tone, they were severe and harsh from women. The Women’s Web blogger, who claims herself to be a breastfeeding mother, writes, “While Gilu Joseph’s expression and body-language is powerful, in a culture where mothers view feeding their children as a private and possibly spiritual affair, this has alienated a lot of mothers from the intention of the campaign. While we are all fighting each other on this spectrum of deciding what constitutes modesty in breast-feeding and whether the nudity for this magazine cover was warranted or not, I wish to tell all you lovely, strong-minded women out there- Do not get sucked in to this debate. It is ridiculous to place the onus on magazines and media to champion such an important cause when their intentions are not completely selfless. Instead of sparring with each other on ideologies, let’s use such opportunities to have meaningful conversations”. (“Meaningful conversations” indeed!!!)

What smacked me was that all these conundrums sprang off with a magazine displaying a woman’s body part on its cover page. Had the model been a man exhibiting his upper body, it would have been least noticed. But since here it’s a woman, the clock struck thirteen. Too many stigmas are associated with women and their bodies. There had been a time when women were bare-breasted. ‘Modesty’ was then not something covered up. When matters of public etiquette are raised, what about the lingerie brands that are allowed to brazenly display models in bras, panties, and sexy lingeries all over the shopping malls and on billboards around Indian metros. Then how come the question of decency around a woman’s breasts arise when she is ironically doing something that breasts were meant for, i.e. feeding her child? The reason why lingerie models are accepted might be because the objectification of women is perfectly normal in our culture, however, when it comes to women asserting their rights and agency to feed their children openly, most of the society goes red faced in shame and the fragile Indian Sanskaars seem to be under attack!

Things become very sensitive and complicated when it comes to the issues of sexual abuses. Questions of culture, morality and virginity get tucked in between the answers and comments. We women are often able to sympathize with the victimized solely because of the fact that we are women but hardly can we empathize, because rapes don’t happen to us. We give support to the abused woman or girl, we talk for her, we fight for her; but always there happens to come up a border line between us and her. Normalising seldom ensues. Post-rape trauma happens to be the most distressing experience for every woman as she clearly knows the fact she will no longer be the former ordinary woman but an object of sympathy for everyone around her. We are concerned about her, but we don’t want our sons to get married to “such a woman”. Social ostracism along with mental ostracism makes the situation worse for any individual. Apathy is understandable, but sympathy sounds hollower at times.

 Providing education and employment opportunities are definitely aspects of empowerment, but it becomes complete only when we are able to make our women confident about what they are, in whatever situations they are, to hold her heads up, purely because of the fact that they are woman.